Inspecting indecision and fear of better options
This is a written excerpt of Rest & Recreation, a companion to Routines & Ruts conversations podcast. Each week, host Madeleine Dore shares reflections from previous interviews and interesting reads to offer you a moment of R&R. Listen on Apple iTunes, Spotify and others.
Words by Madeleine Dore
How do we find rest in a world that feels restless right now?
Lately, I’ve noticed I’m indecisive about the smallest things. Even deciding on something as inane as when to shower—as soon as I get up, or after I run at lunch?—what to have for dinner, or whether or not to go for a Thursday afternoon walk with a friend will make me feel stifled with indecision.
I don’t think I’m alone. When so much is uncertain, when we have such little control over the big things in our lives—our plans, our job security, the outcome of an election—we often turn our attention to the little things we can control.
Recently I wrote about how when the world is overwhelming, there is a small, good thing we can do to help ourselves and others.
But a flip side of paying such close attention to the small things we can control in our days is that we can become caught in an indecision spiral. Even the simplest decision, like when to have breakfast, or whether to go for a run, what to have for dinner, or when to finish the day can stifle us. We know we shouldn't be spending an hour and a half trying to decide what to watch on Netflix or whether or not to go for a run, but here we are.
Many of us have had to make new choices in our days—working from home, or looking for work, or homeschool introduce new decisions into our routines. Not only can this constant bombardment of choice cause stress and fatigue, we can generally be pretty terrible at making and sticking to decisions in the best of times.
We’re not entirely to blame for changing our minds—we are programmed to, especially if our confidence is low regarding whether the decision is a ‘right’ one. And it’s understandable our confidence has taken a hit—life has always been uncertain, but for better or worse, this year we’ve seen that uncertainty up close. It’s hard to know what you want for any given day, when you can’t make decisions about the months or years ahead.
So what do we do in those moments when we find ourselves unable to make any decision at all?
I certainly don’t have that figured out, but a few years ago I spoke to author and entrepreneur Patrick McGinnis who coined the term FOMO, or fear of missing out.
He also came up with the concept of FOBO – which is the relentless pursuit of all possible options, or fear of better options.
FOBO often leads to indecision, frustration, stress, regret, and even unhappiness as we fear we will make the wrong decision.
Unlike FOMO, fear of missing out, which can teach us more about what we want in life, fear of better options offers very little benefit. While it may feel like a bit of indecision never hurt anyone, it can in fact hurt our ability to move forward in life, with a tyranny of choice keeping us stuck.
Of course, for some, not being able to make a decision about certain areas of their life has been what’s defined this time—be it the loss of a job, or plans, projects. This can bring grief for many no doubt, but for others a relief—there is no more fear of better options because there are so few options. When an action or ending is outside our control, the fear of getting it wrong is diminished. It's no longer up to us: the decision has been made for us.
So it’s important to acknowledge that even in our narrowed lives, for many of us the presence of FOBO is a privilege. Patrick McGinnis describes FOBO as an "affliction of affluence", a by-product of a hyper-busy, hyper-connected world where anything is possible—we can peruse hundreds of options for dinner on Uber Eats or Netlfix. Those of us experiencing it are, by definition, spoilt by choice.
But when something is within our control, even the smallest thing, indecision or the fear of making the wrong choice puts us in a standstill.
So how do we get out of the indecision spiral? One way to sidestep FOBO is to recognise it. As Patrick McGinnis said, "When you are spending too much time worrying over what you're having for lunch, you are robbing yourself of the energy to focus on the things that matter."
Decision-making is like flexing a muscle, he adds. "If you learn how to do it for the small stuff, it will help you with the big things."
To practice, for low stake decisions we can simply flip a coin—and stick to the outcome.
It can also be helpful to forget about trying to make the right decision.
While it can be helpful to survey the options we have available to us, we can’t get caught up in determining which is the ‘right’ one. Even with hindsight, it’s impossible to trace our current lives back to one specific choice or opportunity.
As we know profoundly in this moment in history, we can never predict what is going to happen – you make the best decision you can and then you recognise that the future will tell its own story.
Put simply, there is no such thing as the right way, the right decision, or the right want. Because of this, it can be helpful to focus on the process rather than the outcome of our decisions.
In the words of Helen Keller:
“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”
You might like to employ ‘Satisficing’ – a decision-making strategy that aims for a satisfactory or adequate result, rather than the optimal solution.
Or alternatively, embrace getting it wrong – don’t always consider all your options. Don’t necessarily go for the outcome that seems best every time. Make a mess on occasion. Trust your instincts and don’t think too long. Relax.
As Eckhart Tolle said:
"Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it's no longer a mistake."
And finally, in the face of uncertainty and indecision for life’s bigger decisions, as Sarah Wilson said an episode of Routines & Ruts, choose enlargement:
“If I was to sit at the end of the day and ask what is the marker for a wonderful day or a day well spent, it’s that lens that James Hollis teaches me, and that is, did it enlarge or diminish life? And I use that as a way to make decisions, will it enlarge or diminish life?
So maybe that’s something you could try this week. Test an idea, follow a whim, toss a coin, choose satisfactory, choose enlargement— and see where it leads.